It is easier for me to recognize when someone is not being kind to another than when I am not being kind to myself. I have had arguments with someone close to me only to realize afterwards that I was using them as a way to justify my perception that others don’t accept me as I am. I was blaming the other because I was scared of not being accepted as I am. It’s a painful experience that I kept alive by justifying the fear (not very consciously!) every opportunity I had. I can stop the suffering and the drama, by starting to accept myself; by acknowledging that the fear I feel need not be based in the current reality. The fear may just be a tape playing in my head. Then, it’s up to me to reframe my experience by noticing the fear, recognizing it might be a tape, and being open to a new experience.

In the arguments I just mentioned, I also believed that it was my fault if others were unhappy with me. If I recognize that others are responsible for being unhappy with me, I no longer need to defend myself, and most arguments can stop a lot sooner! Thus there was a responsibility I was taking on that wasn’t mine, and another responsibility that was mine and that I was not recognizing as mine.

Kindness toward the self is the key to seeing more clearly. When I see more clearly, I can avoid the vicious cycles of suffering and imposing my suffering on others. Kindness toward the self is also the first step to peace. The most important changes in my life have occurred when I made peace with what life was bringing me. Conversely, I think that most heated arguments, quarrels, and wars start with lack of kindness toward the self.

Yogis and masters of various traditions have taught that the world we see is only our perception, and that the truth is that we are surrounded by Divine Love. So, I’ve asked myself how can I experience this truth? If I believe my perceptions, they are the foundation for my decisions. I filter my experiences according to my perceptions, and they only justify and reinforce the beliefs on the tapes playing in my head. It is a vicious cycle. If I question my perception, I need to go back to the original experience. I welcome in my heart this experience with a neutral (non judgmental) benevolent attitude, and I give myself the patience and kindness to remain open to it as my heart is taking it in. Only my heart can free me from the suffering. Once my heart has done its work without interference from my mind, I can experience the Love I could not see before.

Here’s an example. For the longest time I was trying to “fix” a period in my childhood when I was waiting for my father after school. I was 5 or 6 years old and the school administrator saw me most days after all the children had been picked up, sometimes a half an hour after being released from school. I felt abandoned by my father. I wanted to be proud of him. But the school administrator commented almost daily that my father was not picking me up on time and that she had to wait for him. Instead of pride, I felt humiliation and shame. As an adult trying to heal that part of my life, I cried, I screamed, I wrote the story as I wished it had happened, I talked with the child I was… and nothing worked. But one day, I decided to go visit, as an adult, the child I was where he was waiting for his father. I chose to write my way there. I did not try to engage the child. I engaged my heart, not my mind. I tried to remain connected to the pain by remembering the stones and the railing of the stairway to the main school entrance. I felt disconnected a couple of times as I was writing, and I had to find a detail or another that would find my pain, my heart-connection to the child, until I finally made it to the child and opened my arms and embraced him. Then, the dam of all my tears opened wide open. When I cried before, it was of rage. But my tears now were of joy and a world opened to me that I had never experienced before: I felt unconditionally loved and the world was a place filled with beauty and flowers. What I experienced was this truth: The world only wants to be loved, not changed, and change does happen but only through love, only by accepting lovingly whatever is.

When that feeling of unconditional love left me, I wanted to get back to it. I asked myself how? The answer came simply: “Let go of worries…” Although at the time, I did not know how to do that. More than 10 years later, I am finally seeing how I can let go of worries. I notice when worries control me and choose to think that the situations may not be as I see them. This is not “positive thinking” as it is commonly adopted in our culture. I just question the “negative thinking” that leads to the worries I feel. I ask myself where my joy is or what it would take to bring it back. I accept the experience of the situation that led to my negative perception. I do not try to change the experience; I just withdraw my judgments of it. I make it a daily exercise. It is fun. Like an artist getting better at his craft or an athlete improving on past records.

When looked at it this way, life is very simple; it’s an exercise in kindness!

Luc Miller Watelet is the founder and director of the Yoga and Healing Sanctuary in Rochester, NY. He has a Ph.D. in Biostatistics, and worked in turn in academia and for the pharmaceutical industry. He is a yoga teacher in the kundalini yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan. He is a registered yoga teacher (R.Y.T.) with the Yoga Alliance. He is also a healer and counselor. This article describes one aspect of Luc’s counseling approach: “I am the mirror of kindness the client has not experienced yet.” Check his website www.WisdomQuests.com and click on “the Yoga and Healing Sanctuary”, or write to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it