When someone is sick or injured, the medicine that’s most needed is love. You might find that surprising. When a friend or family member has a medical problem, don’t we all try to do everything we can to help? Don’t people try to help us when we have a medical problem? On the surface, yes. We act solicitous. We really do try to “be there.” But below the surface the story is different. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll acknowledge that the more we care about someone, the more we’re angry with them and with their body for letting us down. And when we get sick or injured ourselves, we’re furious with our bodies. How could we be betrayed like that?

It’s important to acknowledge and understand this anger. New research shows that 70% of the perceived distress from illness or injury comes from psychological or emotional sources. Yes, there are physical symptoms that can be tough to deal with. Pain sucks! But anger and fear and depression come flooding in and actually cause most of our misery.

As I show in my book, Feel Better Fast: Overcoming the Emotional Fallout of Illness or Injury (M. Evans, July 2004), this emotional side of physical problems is actually a tremendous opportunity. In this age when every variety of medical help is available, most of us are already getting help for physical problems. This means that up to 100% of our potential for feeling better will come from dealing with the emotions that come in the wake of illness or injury.

And this brings me back to anger. Anger may be understandable, but people who are sick or injured need to be loved more than ever. Not loved in spite of their illness or injury. Loved with their illness or injury. Loved as a whole person. We have to get past our natural feelings of being let down. And the best way to show our love is through acts of kindness.

People often make the mistake of thinking that kindness is doing nice things for someone. Sure, that can be important. But kindness really means thinking of someone as “of our kind.” It means thinking of someone else the way you would think of yourself. For example, we often push medicine on people who are sick or injured. We push them to do things that we think will help them get better. This looks like we’re “helping,” but often it’s an expression of anger with them for having this problem.

The kindest thing may be to trust them that they’re already doing everything they can to help themselves. Just because they’re sick or injured doesn’t mean they’re stupid! It may be that what they need most is companionship. Or to have someone listen to them. Or to have someone tell them that it’s alright for them to have something wrong with their body right now. The world isn’t going to fall apart. No one is going to hate them or be disappointed in them. Instead of saying hurry up and get well, maybe they need to hear, “Take your time getting well. I know you’re doing your best.” That’s real kindness and love, and that’s what is most likely to be truly healing.

Kindness is just as true when you’re the one who’s sick or injured. You know, you have a real relationship with your body. You want it to love you, and your body wants you to love it. But when your body lets you down, you get mad at your body. That’s understandable, but then your body doesn’t feel loved, and that actually slows your healing.

Imagine dealing with your body as something you love in spite of everything. Then, maybe you wouldn’t push or punish your body the way we so often do when we’re sick or injured. Maybe you’d be better able to listen to your body, because after all, anger prevents us from listening to someone. But if you listen to your body with love, maybe you’ll learn what you need to help your body. And then, you truly can feel better faster than you ever would have otherwise.

Charles Foster, PhD is Director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, where he‚s been a clinician, consultant, and researcher for over twenty-five years. Dr. Foster is the author, co-author, and researcher for eleven books, some of which went on to win awards and become bestsellers. His books are available in over fifteen languages. Dr. Foster has advanced degrees from Brandeis University, Boston College, and the University of London. Dr. Foster has appeared as featured expert on a number of television shows, including the Oprah Winfrey Show and an ABC News 20/20 Primetime Special with John Stossel. Dr. Foster's new book, "Feel Better Fast: Overcoming the Emotional Fallout of Illness or Injury" (M. Evans, July 2004) is available in bookstores and more information about it and his work can be found at www.emotionalenergyfactor.com